My wife and I were looking for ways to enhance our kid's self-confidence, improve their problem-solving ability, increase their autonomy and also reduce their tantrums. In the process, my wife suggested that we read the book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.
The book was one of the best parenting materials that I have ever come across. Unlike other parenting books, the methods suggested in this book really works and more importantly it also gives both the parent and the kid a pleasant feel. As I read along, I also experimented some of the methods suggested in the book.
Here are a few parenting experiments based on the methods suggested in How to talk:
#1 Empathic Listening - Empathic listening is all about understanding and acknowledging the kid's feeling without giving solutions, advice or lectures. This was one of the hardest skills to practice regularly. It was like learning a new language.
A few days ago, I informed my elder kid A (6-year-old) that it's time for bed and asked him to get ready. As it was clearly evident, he didn't want to stop having fun. He told me that he wants to play a game of hangman. Usually, I would provide solutions such as: let's play tomorrow or start lecturing about getting to bed early. At the end, all this lecturing and solution providing would just increase his tantrum and make him even more stubborn about his earlier idea.
Based on the learnings from the book, I acknowledged his feeling saying, "I understand that you wanted to play a game of hangman" and then wrote on a sheet of paper "A wants to play a game of hangman" and hung it on the fridge. The moment he saw this note, he was happy to see his feeling being acknowledged. He quickly added the subsequent day's date on it and hurried to bed.
I was surprised to see this work, it wouldn't have been possible if I would have provided any solution or even kept any consequence. The next day we indeed played a few games of hangman.
#2 Describe - Describe is a process which provides information to the kids without blaming or criticising them. They dislike hearing a long explanation. For them shorter the reminder, the better it is.
Last week, A was having a play date at home with a couple of his buddies. They were sitting on a sofa and colouring their books using crayons. I was worried if the colours would damage the sofa. My immediate instinct was to say: don't colour by sitting on the sofa or if they don't listen move the crayons and the book to the writing table. I resisted my temptation to do all that and tried to describe the problem by saying - "Tables are for colouring".
The next 2 minutes took me by surprise all the kids one by one slowly moved to the writing table and started colouring. As you know already no method works all the time. There are times when it backfires as well. However, consciously practising it gives you a learning of what best works for them.
#3 Problem Solving - The problem-solving method is all about making the kid think for himself/herself as part of the solution rather than part of the problem. It is more about explaining the problem and looking for inputs from them.
I have been trying to make brushing at night a daily habit for A. The more I stressed upon it, the more he resisted. So, I decided to give the problem-solving method a try.
On a weekend morning, I asked him if it was a good time to talk, he said "yeah", little suspiciously. I sat with him on a table with a clean sheet of paper and told him - "I understand that you don't like to brush but I am worried that it might cause you a decayed tooth later in the years. So, I asked if we can look at a few options to help solve this problem"
We started listing down all the ideas,
A: I don't want to brush at all.
I wrote it down on the list without evaluating it.
Mommy: Play a brushing song in youtube while brushing.
Me: I can get you an electric toothbrush but I want you to brush 2 times a day for at least a month before I can get that for you.
A: Buy a new star wars toothbrush from the nearby store.
Once all the ideas were listed we started clearing out those options that don't work for us.
A said playing a brushing song sounds like a baby so we cleared it off the list.
I said not brushing at all is not an option and cleared that one too.
Once we have finalised our solutions, he wrote on a sheet of paper as "We will buy a new toothbrush (star wars one) today and start brushing with it from tomorrow morning for 30 days (2 times every day), so I can get a Sonicare toothbrush".
See the below image for his reminder on the bathroom door:
I am amazed at the originality of the solution and the commitment to it. This has been in effect for more than two weeks with very good results.
Parents need to have quite a few tools in their toolset to induce a growth mindset to the kids and more importantly stay sane and enjoy the process. I personally found the methods listed above to be very effective.
If there were any other methods that you tried and found to be effective do leave it in the comments.
Happy Parenting!
PS: For privacy reasons, kid's name is not disclosed.
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